Welcome to the place you want to be. Welcome to the world which you know better than your own. Welcome to Your Virtual Self. Updated Monday - Thursday

Written by Farinar

22 Mar 2010

Why Richard A. Knaak sucks big time!

For some reason, Blizzard always lets the Starcraft fanfic writer Richard A. Knaak write all their canon lore through the countless novels that exist about Warcraft. Day of the Dragon, Night of the Dragon, War of the Ancients and Stormrage are some of the horrors that he has on his mind. In most of them, the maincharacter is noone but Rhonin, the master of awesomeness.

Rhonin is a fucking Mary Sue.
So why is Rhonin so god-like awesome? Because he is a mage. With red hair. Who is able to summon raptors. Yes, you read it right, Rhonin can spawn fucking raptors. What the hell? What just happened to Blizzard lore?! Seriously, according to Knaak, Rhonin is the man: He fought Deathwing and saved Alexstrasza from capture, he fought in the War of the Ancients, he fought Twilight Dragons and now he leads the Kirin Tor in Dalaran. That doesn't make any sense! No lore character has been through that many different events! I bet Knaak just sat down on his fat ass and said: "Hmmm.. Wouldn't it be awesome if, like, Rhonin and Krasus went like, back in time to fight, like, The Burning Legion?"

He then probably spent the next 1½ hours to write the book. Or at least it seems so. The atmosphere is bland, the characters are uninteresting and everything is about the fucking blandest character in the World of Warcraft: Rhonin. I mean, come on! Gamon and Hogger has fucking more personality than him!

Here's an example of something that Knaak could've written:
"And then Rhonin and Krasus came to a small, circular glade. The grass was green and the birds were singing. Rhonin and Krasus sat down and had a picnic. And then oh-my-fucking-god an orc came in and ran for Rhonin! He cut off Rhonin's arms, legs and head. But that doesn't matter because Rhonin, like, could regenerate himself and sew his body back together perfectly. And then after he had done this he, like, summoned an army of raptors that killed and ate the orc. Rhonin then had sex with his wife Vereesa and had lots of awesome godlike babies."

Actually, I think I spent more time writing that bit than Knaak does writing an entire book.

It seems like Knaak hates Warcraft. He uses every opportunity to fuck around with it. Even when he uses a lorecharacter like Malfurion he just turns the awesomeness that is Malfurion into a bland shape of nothingness. Do you really hate us this much, Knaak? Really? Even Deathwing, the bad-ass of doom became more of a "Haw haw haw! I are so evil!"-villain than the manipulative, deceptive bastard that he is.

Knaak has what I call a dragonfetish. He fucking loves dragons and he fucking loves sex. He combines the two and make them into dragonrape. "Tis is liek teh most awsum idea ev4r!". Okay, Knaak doesn't talk l33t, but it'd be fucking cool if he did. Seriously, half of Day of the Dragon is about Alexstrasza being raped in the ass to produce babydragons for the horde to use. That's what you wanna read, right?

Actually, as long as she is involved, I might read just the sex scenes. Rawr.

Not to mention that almost all dragonlore that exists is written by Knaak. Alexstrasza, Deathwing and the other aspects are pretty much invented by Knaak. I say "pretty much" because it only applies to their role in the lore, their personalities etc. Wait? Did I just say that Knaak invented their personalities? Well, they may be the only Knaak-characters that has a sense of personality. I won't begin on his dragonlore because some of it is allright and some it really sucks. It would take me forever to go through his dragonfetish.

- Farinar

No comments:

Post a Comment